Monday, February 27, 2006

Love Post at the End of Love Month

Love Post at the End of Love Month

It was this month when I realized that I am so ready for love. I have picked my prey. A tall cute guy from an online community. But it turned out, I became his prey.

Knowing where he came from, I know this will be another ambitious long distance karir. We are about a thousand miles away from each other. But he frequents Manila because he is trying to look for a job. I just met up with him last Saturday.

As I mentioned above, I am ready to love again. That is why I didn't think twice on telling him that I liked him. I told him two weeks before. His reaction? He just asked why I picked him. I told him I find him interesting.

And since then, though he is miles away from me, I can feel the distance getting near. I am falling into the trap. No one can save me but him.

I am ready for love. But am I ready for pain that love brings? Wait, let me restate the statement. Am I ready for pain that UNREQUITED love brings?

Well, I am not yet sure if he likes me or not -- that remains to be seen. And I vow myself this evening not to rush into things. Take things as they come.

Hopefully, I will survive this one.



Let us play pictionary. I want to post some of the pictures I got the past few days. Well, the pictures from the Golden Fab Awards are not yet included.

White Party Winners

Tin Tin and I on her new N70 phone.
(Polo Ravales is the guy wearing red polo on our background.)

A month after, here we are wearing the same shirt and jacket. Taken while the country is under a state of national emergency.

Two of my favorite friends -- Raymond and Lotho.

Three months ago, Jason aka Camerlengo from emailed me this picture. He said that he was browsing some site when he saw this picture and it reminded him of me. Yup, that's me through the eyes of Jason -- a pink cat.

Golden Fab Awards

Golden Fab Awards

Amid the state of national emergency declared last Friday, the Golden Fab Awards pushed through as scheduled on the 2oth anniversary of Edsa I -- February 25.

I was supposed to go to Rainbow Suites on Friday night where Raymond (Rainbow - director of the show) and company were already checked in. But I decided that I need my at least 8 hour sleep to be able to be an efficient host the next day. So after work, I went straight home to sleep.

Saturday morning, at around 9 AM, I went to Rainbow Suites to meet with them. Our call time was 11 AM but I felt like going there early. When I arrived, they were still at the room, so I printed out copies of the script and the sequence guide. After that, we went straight to Fab Bar and Restaurant to check the set-up. Beautiful and simply fabuloush! We have to say thanks to Aldherck2man, Tabiru and Calebe.

After lunch we start to rehearse for the show. I have to admit, my head started to ache and I feel like I was running a fever after I ate my lunch. So my energy was down during the rehearsals.

Rehearsals went on until arond 5 PM. After that, we went back to our hotel room to rest and make chikka for awhile. We ordered merienda from Mcdonalds. After eating, I took a Biogesic for my headache.

At around 8 PM, people started to arrive. And we, the organizers, were very overwhelmed by their support. Everyone was dressed to their nines! At around 10 PM, the program started. I have to drink 4 San Mig Lights -- pampalakas ng loob!

The program went off smoothly. Though there are some technical problems which cannot be avoided, we are all happy on how the program went.

The program ended at around 1 AM. I won the Fabuloush Icon Award for the night! After the program, we partied the night away with music by Drake24. Kudos also goes to the organizers -- myself included. To my fellow Sanggre: I love you guys! Congratch!

According to Fab Bar, 198 people came that night. Suffice to say, the Golden Fab Awards was a big success!

**pictures to be posted soon.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

State of Emergency

State of Emergency

We are no under a state of emergency.

PGMA declares National State of Emergency

Ako ay nagdeklara ng state of emergency dahil sa maliwanag na banta sa republika na ating napigilan. May ilang sumubok at lumihis sa civil at matatag na rehimen ng saligang batas. Nabuwag ang tangkang ito. Kasama sa pagkilos natin ang pagdakip sa militar at sibilyan sna makakasangkot at hindi palalampasin ang nagbibigay ng salapi at suporta sa pag aalsa. Napigilan nanatin ang mga tangka maliban sa ilang tumilawag nasa pwesto. Ang lahat ng militar hanggang sa mga battalion ay nananatiling nasa chain of command. Bilang commander in chief, kontrolado na ang situasyon. Katatapos ko lamang pulungin ang aking gabinete na nagkakaisa ang loob. Nanawagan ako sa lahat pamahalaang lokal patuloy na maglingkod. Hindi dapat mailagay sa panganib ang taong bayan. Samantala, pinauubaya ko a AFP at PNP ang nararapat na pagkilos. Maguulat naman ang DFA sa mga embahada. At sa mga nagbabalak sirain ang kapayapaan ay babagsak sa inyong pagtataksil ang bigat ng batas. Pinahahamak ninyo ang mahihirap at ang bansa bilang kuta ng pagkakaisa, pagmamalasakit, at kahusayan sa mundo. Kinakalas ninyo ang ekonomiya sa matatag na sambayanan. Panawagan naman sa ating mag kababayan na maging mahinahon. Sa Media, iulat ang sangayon sa tungkulin sa bayan at wag palagpasin ang nakakasamang alingasngas na nakakasama. Salamat sa pananalig sa bayan at sa ating magandang hinaharap. Pagpalain nawa ng Diyos ang ating Sambayanan.

Will this lead to *gasps* martial law *gasps*? Wait and see.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

23 years and counting

23 Years and Counting

When I was a child, I used to be well behaved. I used to do things the way it was supposed to be done. Even if I was well behaved, there was this child inside of me who wanted to break away.

My elementary days were empty. After my classes, I went straight home to study. Every year, I was elected as the class president. And all I ever wanted was to become the class secretary.

But there are also times that I was called in the principal's office. I was accused of doing something I did not do. And to make the matter much worse, I was accused by my best friend. I was also called by the principal because I called my classmate 'fishlip.'

I entered high school with such disgust. From a population of 16 students per classroom, I entered my first classroom with 49 male students. And that is only 1/4 of the batch.

As my previous post suggests, I tried fitting in. The child inside me didn't have a chance to break away until junior year.

As the child inside was breaking away, I started to feel the weigh of the world.

My family which I thought was perfect has its flaws. I was home one Sunday afternoon watching Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant in Notting Hill when my Dad said something which got me thinking. He said that he had already watched the movie and he said that it was good. It got me thinking. When did he watch the movie? Who was he with? That time, he claims that he works from 8 in the morning to 4 in the morning. So when did he find the time to watch Notting Hill. Turned out, the movie was good, but it ended up in my least favortie movie.

I fell in love for the first time. And it hurts a lot. Until now, everytime I see my first love, I still feel a stab in my heart. Here you learn that what Pablo Neruda says that 'loving is short but forgetting is too long' is indeed true. The mind may accept that he does not love you anymore, but the heart is slow to learn.

First love teaches you a lot of things, if the love is true. You think you are in love with person but in reality, you are just in love with the idea of being in love. Sometimes, first love is like that.
I also learned how to keep the friendship alive. When I was in high school, I hang out with the same group of guys from first year to third year. On my senior year, I started hanging out iwht different group of people. I felt much close to them than my first group. And I had to go through the thought of parting ways with them after graduation.

Though I made new friends when I was in college, we were able to maintain and keep the friendship alive.

My college friends were not that different from my high school friends. I hang out with them a lot in our mini-tambayan at the back of Letran.

I stupidly fell in love with one of my closest friends. It was the most excruciating experience I have to go through. Fortunately, three years after, I learned to move on without looking back. He is still my friend.

Two months after college, I started to work in Saga Events. I started to feel that the weigh of the world against my shoulder is getting heavier. I have to earn money to help my Mom financially. Six years after the Notting Hill revelation, my Dad is not giving enough money for the family. And sometimes, his pay is delayed. Well, I do not know if his claim is true.

And now I just turned 23, the weigh is getting heavier. I learned to grow numb to all the madness that surrounds me. But I still feel like a child. A child who broke away from what I had used to be. A child who learned a lot of things that young ones should not know. Maybe I grew up a little too soon.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Surviving Valentines

Surviving Valentines

So I survived the day for lovers.

How? By sleeping at 10:00 PM. But now, I think I have found someone whom I can love two days after Valentines.

I do not want to tell any details. I believe that this will pre-empt everything. I am now addicted to Ready for Love by India Arie. I played the song for about 15 times today.

Anyway, last night was my Blow Birthday Bash at Government Bar. All of my friends were represented. Aquinas friends, Letran friends, Online friends, and Work friends (both Saga and GMA).

I had fun. I missed all of my friends. At around 1:00 AM, Ichan, Robyn, Randy and I went to Starbucks at Greenbelt. I missed hanging out with them and talking about things.

I will be turning a year older in six days. I wish I would be able to spend my special day with the special someone. Just like last year.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A Day Before Lover's Day

A Day Before Lover's Day

Still, I am single.

I am planning on spending the day with my other single friends. We can have dinner or hang out some place.

I remember my last Valentine's Day: terror attack at Makati and dinner at Dencio's Magallanes. Quite memorable. I spent it with the one I would like to spend it the most. One of my friends just asked me if ever I regretted going to that dinner amid the terror attacks. No, I never regret going to Dencio's that night. It was my memorable Valentine's day ever. And if I have to do it all over again with the person I love, I will.

I can remember every little single detail that happened that night. From what I wore, what he wore, what we ordered, how we walked from Dencio's to his place and lot of stuff.

A year later, I am over him. He is now a friend to me.

Tomorrow will be a day for lovers, but a day for friends for me.

Happy Valentine's Day to all lovers. And to all single people out there, better luck next year. For the broken hearted, get over the feeling and hang out with your friends!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Six and a Half

Six and a Half
I saw you today.
You are still full of shit.
But you are still better than the rest.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Say What You Want To Say

Say What You Want To Say

I know this will be a cheap reaction to a very cheap post but I just want to share a lesson to those who are reading my blog.

When I was in high school, I was so desperate to fit in. I came from a learning center wherein I only have 16 classmates. I guess I was shocked when I was placed in a classroom which has 50 students inside.

Being a new student, I wanted to fit in. So I became something I was not. I tried to be nice to everyone. Sometimes, I let them step down on me in hopes that they would like me.

I think this is one of the lessons that I have learned in a hard way. For two years, I have kept myself inside a shell. I was like outside a fishbowl. I was just an observer. I saw my friends doing drugs, I did nothing about it. My friends made fun of one of our classmates, I did nothing about it. Much worse, their victim informed one of our professors about it and he singled out three of us and I was included. Did they hear anything from me? Nothing.

Back when I was young, someone told me that you cannot please everybody. I tried pleasing everyone in high school -- I failed.

So when I was in junior year, I tried to move out of my shell. I revealed the real me. I started to say what I think. I started to let them feel what I am feeling. That time, I was becoming one of them. I was no longer an observer -- I was slowly becoming a part of the scene.

When I was in senior year, I was completely out of the shell. And in fairness, I can say that they really like me for what I really am. Same thing happened when I was in college.

And now, being a part of an online community, I can say that I also tried to be nice to everyone (which is VERY hard to do). I just wanted to have a lot of friends who will accept me for who I am and for what I am. Apparently, the thing I learned in high school also applied to this community -- YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY.

I tried to exert efforts to be nice, for the sake of fairness -- to the newbies and to the oldies. But still, my name (and my group) is still being dragged to an entry in the confession box. A coward moron, who chose to be nameless, bashed me and my group for the Nth time.

Well, I do not care who posted this piece of shit. And I don't give a flying fuck if he/she/it thinks that we are nothing but 'porma'. So lash us with you friggin' whip before we come and get you first. You can say whatever you want to say but you can never change me.

And one thing I want to tell you: INSECURITY CAN KILL.

Thursday, February 02, 2006



I wish it could be this easy...
to just click away and press delete...



delete all memories...

delete all messages...

delete all promises...

how I wish it was that easy...
to just delete...

delete everything that had happened
between the two of us...

to just press delete...

erase all?

oh please!

coz if you can do it,
why can't I?

oh how I wish it would be easy...
to just press delete...

and delete you in my life...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006



I wish I could be your greatest dream in the night
So that when you wake up, you would want me back

I wish I could be the the bed that you sleep in
So everytime you wanted comfort, you would seek me

I wish I could be a guitar you play when you're down
So when you are depressed, you would pick me up to sing your songs

But I know
I cannot be a dream
I cannot be a bed
I cannot be a guitar

I can never be anything I want to be but myself,
and I am unwanted to you, as I am to me.
A very sad poem I wrote a few months back.

I started writing my own journal when I was 7 years old. And I started to write my own poems when I was 15 years old. Til then, I never left the house without a notebook, pen or cellphone with me. Everytime I had the urge to write something or everytime thought would not leave my head, I write them down no matter where I am -- on the bus on my way home, in the CR of some malls, taxi cab, cafes, office, or just anywhere.

I always find solace in writing. The pen has always been my greatest strength. And the my journals -- notebook and blog -- have always been my greatest friend.


I am not expecting your world to move around me,
all I want is one moment of your attention
How many times I have tried to reach you out
but you are not in my reach
I am not asking for too much...
But could you even try to care for me?
Could you even try to comfort me
in the middle of the night?
Could you even try to think of me?
Could you even try to live for me
the way I live for you?
I am not expecting all your time to be spent with me
all I ask is for a moment
because there are a lot of things left unsaid
and I know I cannot say it this time,
I am not asking for too much...
But could you even try to be with me?
Could you try a little bit more
for this thing to work out?
Could you even try to look at me?
Find out what my eyes are telling you..
Could you even try to hold me?
Could you give to me
what I am trying to ask for?
Could you, at least, try to love me?
just try..

Victor Said

Victor Said

It is like making love with a wall. We are there -- in a cheap motel room. It is a cold January evening. This is my first time to have sex after midnight, so I am excited. I lay down the bed with white sheets knowing that 30 minutes after, things will get dirty.

He is in the bathroom. I can hear the steady beat of the dropping water. I close my eyes. The water stopped. The door opened. When I opened my eyes, he closed the lights. He lay down beside me. I placed my arms around his chest.

We kiss passionately -- as if we are in love. For the sake of lust, we pretended that we are lovers of each. We kiss, we lick, we suck and we fuck.

Thirty minutes after, he is back in the bathroom, taking a bath. I am still lying in the bed -- staring at the ceiling. He is done washing, it's now my turn.

I find myself inside the bathroom, washing myself with the cheap motel soap. Finally, I was able to finish taking a lousy bath. I began dressing up. I cannot wait to go home and sleep.

Now, I am finally on my own bed. I began thinking of what just happened.

It was like making love to a wall. We made love without any love to each other. We just pretended to make love for the sake of lust.