January Ends

January Ends

February is near. By the end of that month, I will be 23 years old. OMG! another year will be over for me. WTF!

Last Friday, Fabuloush.com had their grand eyeball -- a cartoon themed party. For that, I bought two mini stuff toy of the Care Bears -- Friend Bear and Wish Bear -- and placed them inside my pocket with thier head sticking out. And at around 2 AM, I took Friend Bear out of my pocket and let my Fabuloush friends kiss her.

I had so much fun! We invited everyone to the upcoming Golden Fab Awards which we -- the Sang'gres -- will produce on February 25.

So reading my last post, I know you are thinking what I am doing to cope up with my pre-birthday depression. Hmmm...Actually, it isn't that bad yet. My latest victim? BLOGS. Why? Because my real handwritten journal is absolutely outdated. The last time I wrote in my handwritten journal was last December.

Went home at around 4:30 AM. And as always, I was drunk. So what else is new?

I am in the night shift, so expect me to post often. Til then.

Shit Happens

SHIT HAPPENS

I think my pre-birthday depression is starting too early. It started exactly one month before my birthday, January 22 -- last Sunday dawn.

After watching a twin-bill play, we went to Rainbow Project to hang out and dance. I hate it when I get hit by my depression in the middle of the dance floor. After drinking 4 San Mig Lights, I was sober. I began to notice small things and get depressed by it. Thank god for cellphones! So when rain tried to get in my parade, I sat down on one of the couches in Rainbow Project, pulled my cellphone out of my pocket and began 'typing' my thoughts.

I lost the game. I am never the person I thought I was. How could I find love, of 'karir' for that matter, when I always end up with the wrong one? I hate feeling this way: drunk and unwanted. Maybe I just need to open my eyes for things I cannot see -- or for the things I refuse to see. For the people who have been waiting for me. People who will make me feel wanted -- loved. I do not know if the problem is with me. I don't want to feel this way. The people around me make me feel this way. I HATE IT. I just wanted to be happy. Yeah, I enjoy my freedom and all, but I would give anything just to be hold onto and be tied. I'm tired of promises meant to be broken, words meant to be taken back. I'm just tired -- tired from everything. I just want someone. Someone who will teach me how to and will let me fly and will catch me when I fall. That's all I need -- SOMEONE. Is that hard? Tao rin ako; umaasa, nangangarap, nabibigo at, higit sa lahat, nasasaktan. - 01:22:06, 1:21 AM

I don't want to dwell on details and I think that message will exactly describe how I felt last Saturday.

If I will be given a wish last weekend, I would love for it to happen backwards. The twin-bill play was so hilarious, I am sure if we watched it after what happened to Malate, I wouldn't go home sober. Maybe Eugene Domingo will be able to uplift my spirits.

Anyway, my dreams that night were restless. When I woke up at 9 AM, I felt like I didn't sleep at all. And, for me, it is not easy waking up on a Sunday from a very hard night. My dad was home. I know it is not right for me to say this but I hate it when he is home. The issues of financial support and his work are being refreshed everytime he is home.

His presence always makes me feel uncomfortable. I just don't know why.

To cap my disastrous weekend, he is yet to give my mom his January 15th pay, which is like five days ago. I wonder where his money goes. Sizzling plate on Shangri-la? Movie date with that fat long-haired bitch? Merienda at Tiandecitas?

Truly, shit happens. But, normally, when people around me give me shits, I get even. But now is not the time. And I still have 29 days to go. Til then, say goodbye to the bubbly me, and hello to the sober and depressed me.

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I am not a sports aficionado, but I cannot be help but be proud that Manny Pacquiao won over his fight with Erik Morales. Never mind how Jeniffer Bautista butchered our National Anthem. That off-key bitch! Anyway, congrats Manny!

1,000 Oceans by Tori Amos

Tori Amos - 1,000 Oceans


Provided by VideoCodes4U.com

I am quite addicted to Tori Amos right now and I just love this song.

Bitching Bad

It is very rare that I bitch during a night out but last Friday, I just cannot help it.

I was supposed to watch Narnia last Friday because there was a Fab night out but I was not in a movie kind of mood that night, so my friends (Raymond, Young, Ramde, Danz, Ian) and I decided to go straight to Malate. Danz went home.

We went straight to Synder and some of the Fab members joined us. In fairness, around 50 members arrived. So as expected, when billing comes, some of them became deaf. Some of them kept singing. Some of them went out of the room.

Well, I have nothing against Class C-D people but my God, if they don't have money to pay for what they ordered and to give their share on the room, they should have stayed home that night! And what pisses us more, these people do not even belong to the Class C-D group. So we (Young and I) decided to be bitches and ask them for their share. Rainbow arrived. Rainbow is tougher than Young and I combined. So we got through.

It is not that we expect everyone to pay, but we expect those who seemed to own the mic ever since he entered the room to pay at least his share on the room. And we also expect those who ordered to pay what they ordered. Some of them just drank and left! I think it is true that everyone turns into a deaf ear when the bill comes.

We went home at around 4 AM, Raymond and I went to BJs to eat breakfast. We talked about things that transpired that night. Afterwhich, we went home.

Argh! Social climbers -- burn in hell! Or just stay at home!

And So I Say...

And now I say to you: I am patient. But do not push me to my limits. For one day, with no words, my heart will just break and you will find me gone.

So you were just fucking around when you texted me that you were on your way to Cebu on January 4. And this picture was taken on January 7, 2006 with a caption that said: 'before goin back to Cebu.'

I guess I was wrong wanting someone like you.

These foolish games are tearing me apart

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

You're breaking my heart...

***for the purpose of anonymity, I blurred his picture.

Love Letters in the Wind

It is the start of a new year. And last night, while trying to sleep at around 3 AM, I found myself thinking about love. Well, it has been awhile since I fell in love. And I miss the feeling of having someone.

I remember when I was young, I thought love was so simple. Well,until now, I want love to be simple. Although gifts are nice, there are more to love than pretty little gifts.

I want someone who will love me even when I don't love myself. I want someone who will love me even when I disappoint myself.

This is how I want to be loved.

I want to trust without thinking twice. I want to love without reservations. I want to be generous with my feelings and love unconditionally.

This is how I want to love.

And last night, while staring at the ceiling and hearing the steady beat of the ceiling fan, I thought of someone. I don't know who he is -- just SOMEONE.

I closed my eyes and imagined how he looked like. I imagined him with his dark hair, stunning little eyes, Close-up smile, smooth skin, and a tall lean physique.

Then I imagined holding his hands. How I want to feel safe within those arms.

I fell asleep. I met you in my dreams. I wonder when I can meet you in reality.

Never Alone

Last night, I went out with my friends. At first, we went to Cafe Carabana at Timog. Rainbow, Ramde, Young, Danz, Lester, Alvin, and Mantra were with me. After an hour, we went to Esquinita near ABS-CBN.

IMO, I think the night was very emotional. Raymond got teary eyed because he miss his other friends. Then at one point, Young walked out and went to the bathroom. Ramde and I followed. They were talking about something from Young's blog post. I have not read it yet last night so I cannot quite connect with what they are talking. So when I arrived at work today, I opened Young's blog and read his post.

I was shocked. I got teary eyed while reading the words from my friend. We know Young as a happy-go-lucky guy. That is why I am quite shocked by his post. I guess this is a living prrof that everyone in this world has his own excess baggages. And I guess the saddest heart can really lie behind the happiest face.

Now let me tell you my friend, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. First, I can relate to your problems in so many ways that if you want someone to talk to, I am just here. Second, as long as we are around, we will never leave you. We are just a call or text away. You will never have to cry alone again. In the long run, you will always have us.

About God's plans, I am sure He has plans for you. Remember: God can dream bigger for you than you can dream for yourself. Also keep in mind, it is okay to cry. And if you need a shoulder to put those tears on, mine is for free.

And you are absolutely right, no one can take away the light inside of you but yourself. So, don't forget to dust off you heart everytime you fall, and learn to love yourself more. And if you feel unloved, we -- your friends -- are here to make you feel that you are loved. And remember: you are beautiful.

We love you, mare.

Home Meant Cebu

My shift today starts at 6 AM, so I woke up at 4:45 AM. As always, after realizing I have to get up for work, I checked my phone. There's a message from Baby C.

Sori,m alrdy n cebu,bt b Bck thre nxt month - 01/03/06, 11:17 PM

So he is back at Cebu. And he is coming next month -- February. In time for my birthday. I wonder if my birthday this year will be happier than that of last year's.

Hope to see you soon...

It is now January 3, 2006. A New Year.

And I have so many things to celebrate!

First things first. 2005 had been a great year for me. It brought me to a new set of great friends -- Fab Friends. It also strengthened my friendship with my other friends.

I spent my Valentine's day and my Birthday with the person I want to spend it the most. But it did not turn out well. As Jewel says, sometimes it be that way.

Summer 2005 is a memorable summer for me. At Holy Week, we went to Vigan. It was a very relaxing four-day off from our work. A month after, we went to Puerto Galera to have our skins kissed by the golden sun. Minus the traumatic trip back home, it was fun! I was sober on my first night, lying on the sands of the beach, staring at the stars(click here for more stories). And on my second night, I got myself so drunk that I gave away the CD of my friend to a bar. They said I even signed a paper to prove that I gave the CD to them. Guess what? Until now, I can't remembe signing anything. Yes, I was THAT drunk.

My work is stable. Though I am not enjoying it as much as I did at Saga, I survived! And my workmates are the best!

By late last year, as I have mentioned, I met a new set of great friends -- Fab Friends. By now, I have made a solid group from the members. I usually hang out with some of them. And I know I have mentioned them in my previous posts. And I love them as much as I love my other friends.

As the year came to an end, I was able to settle some issues. Well, settle is not the word. I just had the confirmation that everything between me and my former little prince is okay. On December 26, I realized that we do not need to dwell in what happened. I miss having him as a friend.

The year ended with a bang! Or should I say with an IPOD? Yes, I won an IPOD Nano at the White Party last December 29. I'm beginning to think that the IPOD is my new lover.
And the year is off to a good start. First, I have loaded all of my favorite songs in my IPOD Nano -- songs by Jewel, Kelly Clarkson Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, India Arie, Spice Girls, and Kyla. I listened to it every night.

Second, I woke up this morning with a text message coming from My Bomb.

M n Quezn Cty ryt nw...Wd my famly,and sme frnds...W've js gt bck hre from
partyn...Ws bwt t txt u earlier, bt i ran out of credits...Hpe t meet up wd u
soon, wr goin hme later... - 01/03/06, 1:08 AM

I just don't know if home means Cebu.

And to cap things off, when I arrived from work today, my workmates gave me a stuff toy of Bed Time Bear. Loves it.

Pictures will be posted soon.