Monday, August 13, 2007

Inspiration Wanted

Inspiration Wanted

After another bottle of caffeine, let me try to put in words things which bother me.

A lot of things are going on in my life right now. I have few rakets alongside my day job, I have great set of friends and I love them to bits.

But I have to admit there are still things that I long for – a lifetime steady career, new mobile phone, a digital camera, new clothes, shoes, vacation and an inspiration.

I know I have to work twice as hard to achieve some of the things I want. But I am focusing on finding someone who can inspire me to achieve these things. There are a lot of prospects but, as they say, kung walang spark, wala talaga.

These past few weeks have been dry for me. There is this emptiness inside of me that I feel that I need to fill. It has been almost a year since Mike happened in my life. When I was with him, that void was filled by him. Now that he is gone, he took away with him the part of him which filled my emptiness.

I miss having someone -- someone to share my dreams, someone to talk to my fears, someone to ease the pain. A person who will tell me that everything will be okay. Someone who can assure me things will get better in the coming days and who can put a smile on my lonely face.

Now I am starting to think if the problem lies within me. I think Mike damaged me more than I thought so. I know it is so not right to blame someone but I cannot help but think. I have done a lot of things for him in the name of f-ing love that I do not know if I am ready to do it all over again.

I know I have a lot of friends, but few of them I can trust. I can only count in my hands the friends who knows the real me. Few of them saw me hit rock bottom and I can count in my hands how many of them got their shoulders wet with my tears.

Sometimes, when I am at home, I just want to jump back in my mom’s uterus and curl up like a fetus. I know I will be safe there; protected from all the world’s anxieties. In there, I can feel no emotions. Every so often, I wish I was still a baby who cannot speak. So in times when I cannot fully express how I can feel, crying will be the best way to explain my side.

At one point and another, all of us pass through a phase when we feel so alone. This is my phase. I feel so alone right now. I am more scared being alone than being dead. At least when you are dead, you cannot feel any emotions where as being alone makes you think of all the things that you should not be thinking. Alongside with this thinking, you will feel every kind of emotions that you are capable of feeling.

So that’s what been bugging me for the past six hours. I feel so alone, unloved, empty and damaged.

I know I do not make sense. My blog does not make sense either. I told you I am a t a loss for words right now.


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